Not So Mysterious Announcer: Who will woo the fair maiden? Who will win the heart of the randomly chosen lucky lady of my very own yahoo group? Well, that would be me, but since I have the sexiest voice, I was needed to announce, so three very handsome and very available Elves will be trying to make a match this evening on `Bachelor Elf'. And now, your host, please give a generous round of applause to Zhie!

Zhie walks out on stage, waving at the audience.

Zhie: Welcome, welcome, ladies and gentlemen, elves and elleths, to another fabulous episode of `Bachelor Elf'. Tonight, our contestant, Kristin, will have her choice from three swingin' single elves, one from each of the three great realms of Middle Earth. Please welcome our three Bachelor Elves!

Behind a curtain, the first elf can be seen as a shadow.

Not So Mysterious Announcer: Bachelor Elf Number One hails from the great forest of Mirkwood-

Bachelor Number One: Greenwood!

Not So Mysterious Announcer: -the great forest of Greenwood, and is a dwarf-loving, hobbit-hugging, cave-dwelling archer who once followed seven mortals and a wizard on what was hailed in the "Rivendell Gazette" as the most impossible mission of the Third Age next to getting an appointment with Pierrion, that wonderful hair stylist in Talan Twelve who does wonders with making natural red heads blonde, not that I would know, but-

Bachelor Number One: Haldir!

Not So Mysterious Announcer: Please give a hand to Legolas, Bachelor Elf Number One!

Legolas walks out, smiling and waving, and takes the first seat.

Not So Mysterious Announcer: Bachelor Elf Number Two is a March Warden of the Northern Fences in the fair city of Lothlorien, a realm ruled by Lord Celeborn, and Galadriel, the Lady of Light, most beauteous of all Elves of all ages. *A long sigh is heard and it is several seconds before the announcing continues.* A brave and proud Elf, he is an archer of great strength, speed, and intelligence. And why not, we had the same parents. Please, welcome to the show Bachelor Elf Number Two, my brother, Orophin!

Orophin steps out on stage from behind the curtain, bows politely, and moves to the second chair behind the wall.

Not So Mysterious Announcer: Finally, from the city of Imladris, home to many of the great Elvish scholars, is an Elf both wise and fair. Serving as Counselor Chief in the Councils of Elrond, as well as head scribe and librarian, please welcome Bachelor Number Three, Master Erestor.

Erestor calmly walks the length of the stage with poise and dignity and settles himself in the third chair.

Not So Mysterious Announcer: And now, our bachelorette. An author and lady of high regard, tonight's contestant likes to travel and is looking for romance. Please welcome, Kristin!

Kristin walks down the steps and takes a seat in the chair next to the wall, behind which the three bachelor elves are sitting.

Zhie: Lovely to have you this evening, Kristin. Now, Kristin, you know the rules. You can start asking questions as soon as we start the timer, but once that buzzer rings, you have to stop, although if an elf is already answering a question, he can finish. Are you ready?

Kristin: Yes, I think I am ready!

Zhie: And elves, are you three ready?

There is a resounding yes from behind the wall.

Zhie: All right, Kristin, off you go!

Kristin: Ok, elf number one, what is your idea of the ideal date?

Bachelor Elf Number One: I'm an outdoor type elf, regardless of what my friends might say, so I think we would have to do something outside. Perhaps a simple meeting by the sea or a late night walk by the sea or a boat ride across the sea. I'm not adverse to a lady who wants to adventure, though, so if she wanted to go out riding, or perhaps on a camping trip, that would be lovely as well.

Kristin: Hmmm...Interesting! Elf number two, same question.

Bachelor Elf Number Two: It would depend a lot on what you wanted to do, my lady. I have a variety of interests, and no doubt, there would be something we would both enjoy doing. On a first date, I would want to come up with something of mutual interest, and then after some time, when I get to know you, I would enjoy coming up with surprise excursions, spur of the moment things. My ideal date would be one that would leave you pleased after I had escorted you home that evening.

Kristin: Nice. Elf number three, same question.

Bachelor Elf Number Three: Something simple, yet elegant. Perhaps dinner, for two - and only two, for I can cook and it is a hobby of sorts - light conversation, a glass of wine. Relaxation and comfort is what I would hope for, a nice time with a lovely lady, without the pressures of everyday life.

Kristin: Ok. Elf number one, why do you say your friends would not call you an outdoor elf?

Bachelor Elf Number One: I love the outdoors, but I don't dwell in a tree, as some of my friends do.

Kristin: Elf number two, what sort of adventure would you call a surprise excursion?

Bachelor Elf Number Two: I think perhaps meeting you on your way somewhere, blindfolding you so that you could not see where I led you to, and taking you into some enchanting out of the way place, where I would have earlier set up a blanket and a picnic lunch. Of course, I would never do anything to disrupt your routine if there was something of great importance that you needed to do.

Kristin: Elf number three, what are some of you favorite hobbies?

Bachelor Elf Number Three: As I mentioned, I do cook a little. I also like to paint and read, and though that may sound dull, there are a great many good stories that I have been known to tell by the fire that I have learned via books and scrolls. Although it really isn't a hobby, I do enjoy peace and calm, and spend much of my free time in the gardens or in some other quiet place.

Kristin: Elf number one, same question.

Bachelor Elf Number One: ...I like trees, I seem to do a fair job making things grow, not a half-bad arborist. I do practice with my bow often; try to keep my fighting skills sharp. I like to sing, too.

Kristin: Elf number two, do you believe on love at first sight?

Bachelor Elf Number Two: Definitely.

Kristin: Elf number three, can you make up a poem for me off the top of your head?

Bachelor Elf Number Three: I shall do my best. Her voice, I hear a turtledove/She asks, do you believe in love?/And though her, I can not see/The sweet sound of her is music to me. *Erestor blushes fiercely.* It needs a little work, perhaps...

Kristin: Lovely. Elf number one, what is your favorite food?

Bachelor Elf Number One: Lembas.

Kristin: Elf number two, what are your favorite hobbies?

Bachelor Elf Number Two: My parents insisted that their children all learn to play instruments, so I took up the harp at an early age, and still play when I have the chance. I also like to play cards, and just generally talking to others. I'm very social.

Kristin: Elf number three, what kind of flower would your give to a lady other than roses?

Bachelor Elf Number Three: I would give her a bouquet of daffodils, for not only are they a 'happy' of flower, they also stand for respect, and mean 'the sun always shines when I am with you'.

Kristin: Elf number one, what are you looking for in a lady?

Zhie: And our time is up! Thank you, bachelor elves for your answers, and now we await the decision of Kristin.

The elves nod and all shake hands with one another as they wait for Kristin's decision.

Zhie: So, Kristin, what are your thoughts on the Elves you have to choose from?

Kristin: Well, elf three sounds interesting, but I'm afraid I'm a little more of the outdoors type myself.

Erestor bites his lip and shrugs, still flushed about the poem.

Kristin: And elf number two sounds very exciting, though I have a little trouble with spontaneous at times!

Orophin frowns and nods.

Kristin: So I think my choice is going to be elf number one!

Zhie: All right, we'll see who you chose in a moment, but first, let's see who you didn't pick.

Not So Mysterious Announcer: Bachelor number two was an Elf of Lorien, and a march warden of the Northern Fences. Kristin, say hello to Orophin.

Orophin walks out from around the wall, and gives Kristin a hug and a bunch of mixed, brightly colored flowers.

Orophin: If it doesn't work out with the first elf, call me.

Kristin smiles and kisses the elf on the cheek.

Not So Mysterious Announcer: Bachelor number three was an esteemed Elf of Rivendell, chief counselor to the lord of the land himself, Master Erestor.

Erestor walks out, still blushing from the poem he made up, and hands Kristin a perfect looking daffodil.

Kristin smiles at the lovely elf and kisses his cheek as well.

Erestor: All the best, Kristin. Truly, a pleasure. *He kisses her on the back of her hand before joining Orophin off to the side*

Not So Mysterious Announcer: And Kristin, this evening, compliments of the Last Homely House, you will enjoy a night of music in the Hall of Fire after a dinner for two in the Great Hall of Imladris with Bachelor number one, Legolas Thranduilion!

Legolas walks out with a big happy grin and presents Kristin with a large bouquet of red roses.

Legolas: Shall we, my lady?

Kristin nods and the couple happily walks off the stage together.

Orophin: Well, that didn't go as planned…but means I am free now to do as I please. And do something…perish the thought, spontaneous. Not So Mysterious Announcer, let us find a pub and drink and dance with the womenfolk there.

Not So Mysterious Announcer: I would never do something so…wait, are you buying?

Orophin nods and walks offstage, and a click is heard as the microphone is turned off.

Zhie: Well, that's all for tonight, folks! Join us next week, when three new bachelor elves will try to win a date with one lucky gal. G'night!

Will Kristin and Legolas have a truly romantic evening together? Will Orophin and Hald-er, the Not So Mysterious Announcer find anyone at the pub to have a good time with? Will Master Erestor get to do anything this evening? Well, yes, that would be just rude to leave him standing there like a lost puppy, so I brought him home for a veggieburger and a rootbeer, and we'll go read a book or something... anyhow...Tune in later, dear readers, for the continuation of..."All's Fair in Love and War"