Zhie and Idhrenwen are sitting on the porch of the Last Homely House. Celeborn and the twins walk by, waving as they pass. The ladies sigh and watch them stroll across the lawn. Once they are far in the distance, Lindir walks out of the house, strumming his lute, and the ladies start to sing.

[ZHIE]
Everybody ought to have an Elf,
Everybody ought to have a brave Firstborn,
Everybody ought to have a grave Firstborn
To wander around the house.
Everybody ought to have a Elf,
Everybody ought to have a great Eldar
Stunning as a shooting star
And quieter than a mouse.
Oh, oh, wouldn't he be delicious,
Watch his cape as it swishes,
Catching the wind.
Oh, oh, wouldn't he be delightful,
Sweeping out,
Sleeping in.

Everybody ought to have an Elf,
Someone who you seek when you're short of help
To offer you the sort of help
You never get from a spouse:
Muttering in the gardens,
Stuttering in the hallways,
Cluttering up the bedroom,
Buttering up the mistress,
Puttering all around the house!

[IDHRENWEN]
Oh, oh, wouldn't he be delicious,
This is one of my wishes,
I'll say, as I grin.
Oh, oh, wouldn't he be delightful,
Creeping out,
Leaping in.

[ZHIE]
Everybody ought to have an Elf,
Someone who is wise and you and he converse
Without making anything worse
And graceful as a grouse:
Skittering down the hallway,
Flittering through the parlor,
Tittering in the pantry,
Littering up the bedroom--

[ZHIE & IDHRENWEN]
Twittering all around the house!

Kristin comes up the path on the arm of Legolas. The two of them part, and Idhrenwen rushes over to Kristin, whispering in her ear. As soon as Legolas has entered the house, Kristin asks:

[KRISTIN]
An Elf?

[ZHIE]
An Elf.

[IDHRENWEN]
An Elf.

[ALL]
An Elf!
Everybody ought to have an Elf,
Everybody ought to have a wise Eldar,
The Children of Iluvatar,
To putter around the house.
Oh, oh,

[KRISTIN]
Think of him at the stable,
Wonder if he'd be able?
I'm thinkin' about...

[ALL]
Oh, oh, wouldn't he be delightful,

[KRISTIN]
Living in,

[ZHIE]
Giving out.

[ALL]
Everybody ought to have an Elf,
We must now admit we've fallen for lords and kings,
Don't care if they have elven rings,
Here at the Homely House.

[KRISTIN]
Pattering through the attic,

[ZHIE]
Chattering in the cellar,

[IDHRENWEN]
Clattering in the kitchen,

[ZHIE]
Flattering in the bedroom,

[ALL]
Puttering all around the house!
The house!
The house!

From the house walk Zu and Haldir. Haldir gives a curt nod to those standing at the door, who curtsey back. He smiles to Zu before sprinting off in the direction of the guard posts. Kristin steps over to Zu and mumbles a few things under her breath as Zu arches her brows, and says:

[ZU]
An Elf?

[KRISTIN]
An Elf.

[IDHRENWEN]
An Elf.

[ZHIE]
An Elf!

[ALL]
Everybody ought to have an Elf,
Someone who's efficient and reliable,
Obedient and pliable,
And quieter than a mouse!
Oh, oh, wouldn't he call out 'Daro',
Fiddling with his arrow,
Climbing his tree.
Oh, oh, wouldn't he be delightful,

[ZU]
Shooting up,

[ZHIE]
Crossing the sea.

[ALL]
Everybody ought to have an Elf,
Someone who'll be busy as a bumblebee
And even if you grumble, be
As graceful as a grouse.

[ZU]
Conceding to you always,

[KRISTIN]
Speeding down the hallways,

[IDHRENWEN]
Pleading in the garden,

[ZHIE]
Reading with the wannabe warden,

[ALL]
Puttering all around the house!
The house!
The house!
The house!

The ladies finish off their fabulous song and dance number and head back into the house, giggling as they go, leaving Lindir to play his lute on the porch.

Will the Elves ever find out what the ladies say about them behind their backs? Will the ladies stop being so silly anytime soon? Will there ever be a mention of hundreds of blue and red helium balloons in any of the intermissions? Well, I have no clue, that doesn't really have anything to do with this story, and even if it did, helium balloons weren't really something one found on Arda, like fireworks, which seemed fairly common with Mithrandir around...anyhow...Tune in later, dear readers, for the continuation of..."All's Fair in Love and War"

[Song based on "Everybody Ought to have a Maid" from the musical "A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum"]